Denver

A few weeks ago, I was offered an amazing job opportunity. Accepting that job meant I would have to attend a conference in Denver for several days and, logistically, we could not arrange it for the family to come along with me. This job opportunity was an answered prayer and I was honored to accept it. But, that meant I had to go to Denver – by myself. No worries, though. I’m a big girl who can totally travel alone. Denver, here I come!

As I was adding the trip to our family calendar, I realized Conor’s opening day game for baseball season would happen while I was in Denver. And, my heart sank.

A couple days before my trip, I was getting everything ready. I packed my suitcase, finalized my travel plans, and thought I was gonna have a nervous breakdown. The guilt of going on this trip was setting in hard. The guilt of leaving my husband and son behind at home, the guilt of missing the first baseball game of the season, the guilt of expecting someone else to fill my shoes for 4 whole days. This guilt was almost paralyzing. It weighed so heavy on me. I take my job as a wife and mom so very seriously and this felt like I was failing at my most important job.

The day I flew to Denver, I dropped Conor off at school. Instead of going through carline, I parked and walked him in to school, giving him extra hugs and saying “I love you, buddy” more than usual. He looked at me with his big green eyes and said “I really want to go with you” and my heart broke. I assured him that he was going to be fine and that I would hurry back as quick as I could. I made it back to the car before the tears started flowing. Mom guilt attack #1.

I made it to Denver and started the conference. I talked to Wade and Conor as often as I could. They were, of course, doing fine. Saturday rolled around and Wade, my mom, my sister, and my niece all attended Conor’s baseball game. His team won! I was able to facetime for a couple minutes during a break to see Conor playing catcher. Melanie sent me some pictures and videos and while all that was awesome, I allowed the mom guilt to take over again (attack #2).

Attack #3 happened on Sunday. My boys got dressed in their green shirts for St. Patrick’s Day and headed to church. Then, they went to a family-favorite restaurant for lunch. Mom guilt was telling me that a good mom would’ve been there with her family, a good mom wouldn’t have gone out of town for work, a good mom would have her priorities straight.

Why did I feel so awful about attending a conference that would allow me to be a better nurse practitioner? Who decided what a “good mom” could do and not do? Who am I comparing myself to and why the heck am I doing it?

One of my favorite verses, Psalm 61:2, says, “when my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I.” I didn’t know the answers to the questions I was asking myself, but I knew seeking guidance from my Heavenly Father would be helpful. I took a deep breath and prayed. I immediately felt better. I opened my Bible app and found these two verses that I’ve read over and over today and have truly found peace in them.

Matthew 11:28 – “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

2 Corinthians 12:9 – “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

I’m headed home tomorrow morning and it can’t get here soon enough! I have missed Wade and Conor more than I ever imagined I would. But, this trip was awesome – I learned some fantastic new skills that will allow me to be better at my career, I got to visit a new city, I met some amazing people, and I realized how much I let mom guilt control me. Without this trip, none of that would have happened. I’m going to work on tackling this mom guilt thing – once and for all. But, first, I’m gonna hug my boys until they make me let go.

Dear friends who suffer from mom guilt,

I feel you. I am praying for you. You are enough!

Sincerely,
C Bass